Thursday, October 24, 2013


My journey from 2000-2008 was very painful and difficult.  I went to my Doctor to have the pellets inserted with high hopes that all would be well.  Instead I had a terrible reaction causing me to become aggressive, moody, and out of control.  I was not feeling myself, which contributed to the problems at home with my husband.  The mood swings were far beyond normal moodiness and my aggressive behavior caused a violent episode between my husband and I, in which I struck him.    I sought help from a behavioral Doctor and that’s when I learned I had been given an incorrect dosage of testosterone, which altered my brain chemistry and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder.  He said there would be no recovery.  I was devastated. 

2000-2003 Life as I knew it was over.  I would lose my job, my husband would ask for a separation I didn’t want, and then a divorce would be finalized.  He couldn’t handle my diagnoses, but then he had problems all of his own.  You name it, it happened in my household all the while I was trying to raise a young child and dealing with side effects from over 10 medications all in a three-year span of time.   

2003-2005 I continued to spiral out of control unable to cope with the divorce.  The fighting back and forth was draining. The side effects to all the medications were terrible.   I was losing weight at rapid speed then my hair started to fall out.  I had by then lost faith in GOD.  How could he allow all this to happen to me?  I couldn’t tell you during this time period how often I opened up my bible.  I had lost faith and trust in all that I knew.  I would attempt suicide twice from the effects of my medications, which were switched up more times than I can count.  One evening I would open the window in my bedroom thinking I heard children calling me out to play.  The second time I would be on the road, feeling lost with no hope.  I was in my car stuck in traffic getting physically sick from the new medication I was put on.  I was losing focus and self-control.  I didn’t want to feel like this anymore and driving my car off the bridge was my solution, but in that split second something pulled me off the road.  I felt rushed to get off the bridge and parked my car in front of a Hobby Lobby.  “I need to get out of the car, I need to pull myself together.  I have to clear my head,” I thought to myself.  I walked into Hobby Lobby and there was a painting class about to start. I asked if I could join.  You must know I had never picked up a paintbrush before other than in grammar school.  It was a Bob Ross class so I bought all the supplies needed and I joined the class. 

My new journey begins in 2006-2008 God begins his greatest work in me and I will share the wonderful work he did in my life in the last installment of this series.  

This is what I created in that first Bob Ross class, I would never think of suicide again. God had bigger plans for me.

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