Friday, November 1, 2013


2006-2008   I left that three-hour painting class with one painting and a sense of accomplishment.  I realized how bad it could have all ended earlier in the day as I sat in the car getting ready to head home.

I would make many monthly visits to my dr., medications would continue to be changed, and the reactions were terrible.  I could not understand why they were not working.  Why did I feel so good when I was not on medication? Why was I not experiencing manic episodes and everything else that came with this diagnoses?   I would continue on this vicious cycle for another year.    My relationship with my ex-husband was rocky.  As hard as I tried to get along and maintain peace and for him to have a relationship with our daughter, he was not in a good place in his life.  He was dealing with the many consequences of his life choices and how they all affected his family and mine.  We were a Christian family and yet we were so far apart from god. 

My daughter and painting would be my saving grace.  My life was my daughter and trying to provide an environment filled with love, I would spend time painting away my pain, sadness and confusion.  I found peace in this process and I started to feel connected to god and would start reading my bible again when I landed on Phil. 4:13 “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me”.  This verse convicted my heart, I could clearly see that God had been there all along for me, he had not forsaken me.

2007-2008 I had gone through a 5 step trauma resolution to overcome my fears and the pain from my divorce and how I was treated.   It left me insecure afraid and tired, but I desired so much to move forward.  After many tears and prayer, I would be watching TV and would see a commercial for trauma resolution.  The notion hit me that it must be the answer so I called the number and had my first appointment scheduled.  It was difficult and painful but I made it through my therapy.  My therapist also recommended I seek a new doctor to go over my case.  It was her belief through her medical assessment of me that I was incorrectly diagnosed and she felt that the answer would be found if someone else took a closer look.   I would see two new doctors who went through my personal and medical history and determined that indeed a mistake was made.  This would change my life yet again as I knew it!  I had no mental disorder.  Now what?  How would all the medications I had been on for so long affect me? 

I went through yet another difficult season of withdrawal from all the medications and blood work testing to make sure I was ok, but the after effects of the medications would affect my immune system and leave me with anxiety.  I had to learn to manage and had a great deal of mistrust in the medical community while trying to understand how I had fallen through the cracks. The answer I was given “medicine is an educated guess, and a diagnosis was based on the information we had”.  I did not have a doctor who was willing to go the extra mile for me and look further into what was going on with my hormonal levels, my diagnosis was based on past patient case studies.  I would continue to recover from withdrawal, would also start working again after years of being un- employed, and I was at my last step of my therapy program.

 The 5th step of my therapy I had to write or show something that expressed how I came through and viewed the change in myself through this process.   I decided to write and show art that expressed and visually showed my transformation.  How I believed GOD viewed me as his masterpiece.  This is my personal recovery statement that I read and presented to my therapist.  The art visuals of the white, black and unfinished painting canvases represents the stages and seasons I was in.

I hope that by reading my life experience and personal statement you will be able to identify in some way, that no matter what season you find yourself in, how bleak things may seem in the flesh GOD is working it out.  GOD is working on you the blank canvas he uses to create the most beautiful work of art of all, and that is you, renewed, redeemed by his love and Grace. That all you have gone through was not in vain, but made you grow hopefully stronger in faith and resolve and that your life experiences can help others.  It is why I dared to share this personal part of my life.  I have summarized, for this blog, but what I went through was extremely painful, I got through it and I’m a better mother, daughter, friend and wife, yes a wife again, I would marry my ex-husband again ( that is another blog post all together)  and a much stronger woman of GOD.

2008     My personal statement:

For over the past 8 years I have prayed to be delivered from pain, confusion, sadness and anger. I have prayed for a renewal of mind and spirit and a return to good health.
My prayer was answered in October 2007 when I was given TRT (Trauma Resolution Therapy).  Like an Artist staring at a blank canvas waiting to speak and to reveal what should be painted on it, God began to reveal the painting within me.  As my own personal canvas was being prepared the wrong paint brush was picked up, dipped in the paint colors of fear, pain, sadness, confusion, anger, self-doubt, low self-esteem, not feeling worthy of god or anyone else, my canvas was painted in black. 
(Image source: google image)
It took a while to find the correct set of paints and brushes, but once found my canvas was primed in white. 
(Image source: Google image)

 I began painting with those colors and paint brushes that god gave me; these would be the colors of joy, peace, love, laughter, hope, happiness, clarity, health, strength, self-confidence, self-worth and empowerment along with other beautiful colors which were added stroke by stroke.  Like other fine works of art yet to be completed, I’m still a work in progress, an unfinished painting. God is keeping me supplied with paints and brushes I need to work with on my personal canvas, his holy word.  

( Image source: Maggie Miller, LLC)

Once my personal canvas is completed it will be a beautiful work of art, a true master piece.  God will guide me every step of the way to ensure that my canvas is completed and hung on his gallery wall. 

I’m god’s masterpiece.  He created me to be a righteous woman of god, well equipped with his word to overcome my past so that I can enjoy the beautiful colors of my personal canvas today and in my future.  His word fills me, sustains me, instructs me, and convicts me.  It saves me.  His holy word, his love and grace indeed are my perfect palette to be able to complete the masterpiece he is creating in me.
 Prayer:  God I thank you for all that you have done in my life and what you are continuing to do. I pray that the summarized story of the difficult seasons I have experienced will help the reader, someone out there who in this very moment is going through a difficult season.  May they find comfort in your word, may they truly know that they are a masterpiece being worked on stroke my stroke with your brush which is filled with love, grace, mercy, forgiveness and redemption.  May he or she be able to see the beauty of their own personal canvas.   In Jesus name AMEN.


  1. What an awesome testimony. Thanks for sharing your heart and your journey with us!

  2. Thank you Cheryl, it was a very painful and difficult journey for me and my family, and trying to summarize it was difficult because there is just so much that happened, but I prayed and hoped that I could convey the essence of what went on in my life and how GOD carried me through my journey even when I was rejecting him, I truly saw GOD working in me and through me like an artist canvas. GOD is still working on my canvas every day.

  3. May Our Lord contine to bless you and cover you, Maggie! Thank you for sharing your story with us; thank you for your transparency. HIS Peace and HIS Joy!